ARE YOU ESTRANGED FROM SOMEONE?

When talking with a woman my age about the holidays she told me that she had treated herself to a Christmas Day rib roast although she had no one to share it with. I asked if she had any relatives left and the story she told me continues to haunt me.

She has three children, several grandchildren and a great-grandchild who will have nothing to do with her. She said she had been a good mother to her children. At age forty three she started college while working a part-time job.

After being married for thirty-eight years, she divorced her husband after he threatened her with a gun when he was drunk. Knowing she would be killed, she fought him and he fell to the ground on his stomach.  They were in the yard of their property where there was a pond. She had knocked the gun out of his hand and threw it into the water. Though she never reported it to the police, she did file for divorce. The children were so upset about the divorce they stopped speaking to her and for that reason cut her out of their lives.

I remember my own brother disowning my mother because his daughter had asked if she could come and stay with her grandmother because she was in trouble and to please not tell her dad. She had run away from home at seventeen with a man in his twenties and needed help. Mom sent her a plane ticket expecting to call my brother once she arrived safely. My niece promptly turned in the ticket for a refund and also informed her father about it. He then called and told Mom that he would no longer speak to her. He also called me and said the same. Years later he called and said he would forgive Mom if she apologized. He made short visits when she was in the nursing home and attended her funeral service.

My brother reconciled with his daughter. He also divorced and remarried. I did speak to my former sister-in-law who told me he had forbidden her to contact my mother who she loved and was grateful for all that she had done for them.  My niece had married the man and after having two children got divorced. I have since found out she is remarried with two more children.

My brother had four children.  The third was severely retarded so they were unwilling to leave him alone and didn’t want to rely on a babysitter.  On weekends my mother would drive across the state to help them out and then drive back home in time to go to work.  She also did the same thing when his wife was in the hospital near death after the birth of that child who was severely deformed. None of the other three children ever wrote or contacted their grandmother again although she had taken care of them from the time they were infants.

Several years ago I sent a copy of my cooking memoir to my brother.  The book included a family history. A few weeks ago my brother e-mailed that my niece had lost it and could I send another because his son wanted to know the family history.

It’s possible that one definition of estrangement could be the enormous desire of someone to punish the person who loves them unconditionally.